My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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