we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
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