Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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