i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
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