i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
