I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
