Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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