Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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