Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
