At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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