Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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