Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize