Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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