How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
my shit smells like andre
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
