Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
