hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
