i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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