And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
