i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
