stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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