i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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