I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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