Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize