The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
