he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize