Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize