The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize