we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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