Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
