Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Randomize
