At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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