i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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