i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
