So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
