speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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