Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
