I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
