you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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