Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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