nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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