Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
