I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize