$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
