Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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