i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
