last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
