mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
