the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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