that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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