There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
