you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
