remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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