I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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