I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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