he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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