he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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