Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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