I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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