This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
