I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
