I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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