She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
