Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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