I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
