Just fell off a train. Bad.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i've created a new STD.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
