Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
