you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
