I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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