how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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