I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
