You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize